A Woman's Design Doula Group Minneapolis | St. Paul Doula & Childbirth Education Services
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Doula and Mother / Sister / Supportive Friend

4/6/2016

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PictureDoula & Mother / Sister / Supportive Friend
Labor is appropriately named. It is arguably the hardest work a woman will ever do in her life. It is intense, exciting, exhausting, and sometimes scary. It makes sense that a woman would want those closest to her (such as a friend, sister or mother) to be present during her birth because she may desire their support and affirmation.

Certainly these are precious relationships. A doula would never dream of assuming the role of the laboring mother’s own mom, sister or friend. There is a connection there and it is not a professional doula’s place to step into the role of closest confidant.

In fact, a labor support tends to be much more effective if the person doing support is NOT be emotionally attached to the laboring mother. Though it seems counterintuitive, it makes sense from the perspective of the support person. It is difficult - if not near impossible - to expect a close confidant to detach themselves from their emotions while they watch their loved one experiencing labor - even when they cognitively and intuitively know that labor involves a measure of pain.

Sympathetic friends and family members tend to be just that - sympathetic - and they usually just want their friend to be comfortable. Their hearts are absolutely in the right place when they want their friend, sister, or daughter to “feel better.” They want to “fix it” - but the problem is that “it” isn’t broken.

Birth is normal. It is hard, rewarding work, but it is usually very uncomfortable. To ask a loved one to check their own emotions at the door in order to support a birth isn’t necessarily fair to ask of them.

Furthermore, a laboring mother often times will pick up on the way that their labor is making her loved ones feel. In her vulnerable mental and emotional state during labor, she will often times take steps to make those around her comfortable, even if that compromises what she wanted for her birth.

Birth doulas go through months of training, and upon certification, continuing education is required for certification maintenance. A doula is well versed, among other things, in the mechanics of labor, the various ways to support labor, the emotional signs of the stages of labor, all available birth options, evidence based birth, optimal fetal positioning, birth medications, effective communication in all birth settings, and the risks, benefits and alternatives to all the available options in birth.

These are all crucial skills to have in supporting a birth. Birth support involves understanding and navigating all the available options as labor progresses and changes. A supportive friend can be effective emotional support, but they likely can not bring the professional skills that a doula does - unless they are a doula.

For example, say you are experiencing back labor. Back labor is usually caused by the back of the baby’s head pushing on the lower back. It is best remedied by turning the baby into a better position for birth. If you are experiencing back labor, a doula will be able to provide hands on physical support specifically tailored to back labor that will keep you as comfortable as possible. Meanwhile, she can suggest positions and utilize tools that are known for encouraging the baby to turn into a more favorable position.

During a back labor, your nurse may (or may not be) able to offer suggestions for positioning strategies. Either way, she will not be able to stay with you to provide her recommended support. Her job is to monitor you for medical safety - not comfort. A supportive friend may mean well when she encourages you, but she likely will not have the knowledge base to understand the baby’s positioning, contraction patterns to watch for, or what types of positions and counterpressure are most effective for managing a back labor.

Ideally, a mother will have the best of both worlds. She can have the emotional support of a sympathetic friend, mother, or partner, along with the birth expertise that comes with her birth doula. The combination of the two will give her all the uniquely tailored support she needs to labor in a way that is best for her. Additionally, the doula will support the other support people who are present, giving them a peace of mind about the normalcy of birth.

Have someone that understands YOU present.
Have someone that understands BIRTH present.
That combination will make YOUR BIRTH optimally supported, and give you the best chance at having exactly what you want.

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What we do is bittersweet...

5/19/2014

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I love it when I think about someone and they call, text or email me around the same time. Has that ever happened to you?

I especially love it when I'm thinking about my birth and postpartum clients, remembering their birth experiences and their sweet little babies and lo and behold I will receive a text, a picture, or an unexpected "thinking of you" note.

What we do is so bittersweet. In order to fully support a couple we have to open our hearts and become vulnerable so that our clients can feel safe to be vulnerable as well. Childbirth is such an intimate time. We are witnesses of the good, the bad, and the raw. I've seen the meek be strong, the quiet find their voice, the tears, laughter, the fears and love so present in a room that you can't help to be swept away. Being gatekeepers of their space, their wishes and silent witnesses of their stories.

Part of us wants to continue to stay a part of their lives but we can't. There are the hugs, kisses the "You've got this", as we pull away- giving them the room and space to trust their instincts, learn their babies and discover themselves anew as individuals and parents. 

Yes, it is bittersweet indeed and that is why I want my families to know that they always leave an imprint on my heart. It blesses this doula's heart to know that not only am I thinking about them, but they are thinking about me too.

You are fearfully and wonderfully made, 

Natalia
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To All Of The Beautiful Women In My Life

5/12/2013

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To all the beautiful women in my life; my mother whose legacy continues to live on in my heart and children's single-dimpled sneaky grin.

To my aunts and cousins who are constant reminders of her love for me.

To my mother in-law who graciously and lovingly tries to love enough for two grandmothers and who has adopted me into her heart as her own.

To my dear friends who are more like sisters and encourage me to be a better mother and wife.

To my clients, who I've had the honor of witnessing become mothers for the first time or who have welcomed their seventh with still the same awe and wonder as their first.

To mothers who held their babies briefly in their wombs or arms, but forever in their hearts.

To the mother who has only seen her baby on the computer screen, adoption binder, or in her dream.

My prayer for you no matter if your baby is still being knitted safely and secretly in your womb, or growing in your heart across the globe, keeping you up at night as an infant or a teenager, through the icky and sticky, the heartaches and disappointments, the terrible twos and the tumultuous teens, the prodigal son (or daughter), or the boomerang kid who can't seem to find his way-
  is that you will feel encouraged, love, joy, support, hope and peace in your heart and in your mind.

Blessings,
Natalia


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The Importance of Support and Breastfeeding

8/23/2010

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The other night I lay awake thinking about this little one that will be arriving in the next few months and doing so caused my to do list to continue to grow. I'm thinking about the birth, my birth team, vaccinations, breastfeeding, among other concerns and plans that expectant moms often think about.

One thing actual brought a wave of comfort and peace that helped lull me back to sleep. I was reflecting on when my now three year was six-months old. I had taken her to her six month check up and was giving my husband the report that evening over dinner. "Petite little thing, not uncommon for breastfed babies, thriving, overall a  healthy happy baby". As this little one sat on my lap my husband's face changed to one of adoration and pure sweetness as if he'd gotten a beautiful revelation.

He looked at me and said, "That's amazing. You've kept her alive just with breastfeeding her. I can see how much of a sacrifice it is for you but you do it with out complaining and our baby is healthy and thriving because you were determined to do it." He went on to remind me of the trials in the beginning, but how I had become a pro and baby and I became a team.

At that time I don't think I really grasped what he was doing or what he said really meant to me. I went on to breastfeed until she was a little over two years old and having a support spouse made all of the difference. As I sit and think about what my life will be like the next few months or years (depending on how long new baby nurses), instead of thinking about what I will be missing out on; freedom of spontaneity, clothing choices, convenience and other things I can't think of now, but will while I'm nursing, I will instead think about how short of a time it really is and the gift I am giving this little one and those kind words of encouragement my husband gave to me.

Do you have anyone who is encouraging your decision to breastfeed? Feeling supported is one component of successful breastfeeding and how you will feel about the experience. Seek out other moms who have had good experiences, have open communication with your spouse or partner about why it's important to you and baby and how they can help. A lot of times they want to help but are unsure of how to. There are also local La Leche League International groups that are available by phone and also meet on a weekly or monthly basis. I found this connection to be invaluable especially when I would hit a breastfeeding obstacle.

I would like to note that if you have decided not to breastfeed or are/were unable to for what ever reason that this article is not meant to be condemning but supportive to those who have chosen to do so. Truth be told, breastfeeding is one of the most beautiful, natural things in the world but it can also be one of the most challenging situations a woman may encounter. For some women knowing that they are not alone and have support is enough to help them go a few more weeks, months or year if she and baby decides.

Books to consider:

The Breastfeeding Book: Everything You Need to Know About Nursing Your Child from Birth Through Weaning
by Martha Sears and William Sears

The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding (La Leche League International Book) by Diane Wiessinger

The Nursing Mother's Companion: Revised Edition by Kathleen Huggins

~You’re wonderfully made!
 

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Bring a Loved One, Friend, or Doula for Continuous Support

4/22/2010

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How Past Child Abuse Hinders Best Intentions

3/24/2010

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"It is often claimed that traumatic events are repressed, yet it appears that the trauma more often strengthens memories due to heightened emotional or physical sensations.[1]" A classic visual image of repression is the image of one trying to hold a tennis ball under water. All of your physical and mental energy is focused on keeping that ball down and as soon as it is released it resurfaces. The same is similar for memories, events, habits, etc. that we try to submerge in our thought lives. Often these memories resurface like the tennis ball and usually when we least expect it.

For years due to public awareness we are more educated on how abuse on children, adolescents and later on adulthood. "The effects of sexual abuse extend far beyond childhood. Sexual abuse robs children of their childhood and creates a loss of trust, feelings of guilt and self-abusive behavior. It can lead to antisocial behavior, depression, identity confusion, loss of self-esteem and other serious emotional problems. It can also lead to difficulty with intimate relationships later in life." [2] (My emphasis).

One in four women is estimated to have been sexually assaulted at least once in her life. This statistic is derived from two large-scale national studies that show the incidence of childhood sexual abuse to be 27%, with a further 17.6% of women reporting adult rape (attempted or completed), half of whom were also survivors of childhood sexual abuse.[3] That is quite sobering especially if you are hearing this while sitting in a room with a group of women. The effects of sexual or child abuse has on a women during her childbearing years, especially during labor and delivery has been overlooked, however awareness is starting to be raised. Unfortunately, because it wasn’t often discussed during prenatal visits or during childbirth education (or the woman does not feel safe to discuss it or has repressed it so deep) the doctor, midwife, nurses, and labor companions assume that the expectant mother couldn’t handle child birth and are labeled as such. Because of this their specific needs and concerns are not addressed.

If you have given birth to a child you can attest to the fact that it is one of the most vulnerable times you will ever experience in your life. The double-sided coin is that to possess complete control during the process a woman must give up complete control. She must trust and work with her body, baby and the process. The end result is the same for all women as it has been since the beginning of time, a baby will be born. However, the difference in how that mother receives that baby can range depending on the circumstances. If not handled correctly instead of feeling empowered and confident as a woman, new mothers are often left having to relive traumatic experiences and feeling victimized all over again.

With the above stats it is more likely than not that I will come across more and more clients who have experienced some sort of sexual abuse trauma. I am fully aware of my scope of practice and that I am not a therapist or counselor, but it doesn’t release me from the responsibility of being aware of how a mother is reacting to pregnancy, labor, delivery, post-partum and motherhood. During prenatal visits I try to build a relationship with all my clients by educating them as well as spending time learning about their experiences and expectations. Sometimes the subject may come up during our visits; other times intuition and experience will be my guide. During labor and delivery I am to adapt my response to these mothers so that I may not cause further harm. I need to be mindful of words used that can encourage your average mom but can make a survivor mom completely withdraw or become defensive. A touch that can sooth and comfort most women may send a survivor mom into a cocoon or worst have her completely shut down prolonging her labor.

With all of the literature, education, training for professionals and counseling for survivors have become available as awareness for this subject continues to bring healing to women and mothers. I admit that I am still resolving to learn more so that I may better assist and be a better and comfort and support to survivors of abuse.

Resources

References:

  1. ·  ^ NPR: Why It's Hard to Admit to Being Wrong
2.      Besharov, D. J. (1994). Responding to child sexual abuse: The need for a balanced approach. In R.E. Behrman (Ed.), The future of children, 3 & 4, 135-155. Los Altos, CA: The Center for the Future of Children, The David and Lucile Packard Foundation.

Bottoms, B., & Epstein, M. (1998). Memories of childhood sexual abuse: A survey of young adults. Child Abuse & Neglect, 22(12), 1217-1238.

U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Administration on Children, Youth, and Families. (2007). Child maltreatment 2005. Washington, DC: U.S. Government Printing Office.

3.      National Research Council. 1993. Understanding Child Abuse and Neglect. Washington, D.C.: National Academy Press; Tjaden, P., and N. Thoennes. 2000. Full Report of the Prevalence, Incidence, and Consequences of Violence against Women: Findings from the National Violence against Women Survey. National Institute of Justice: NCJ 183781. (www.ncjrs.gov/pdffiles1/nij/183781.pdf)

 


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Dads and Doula's

3/19/2010

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I had the great opportunity to spend the evening with a group of women last night at the Childbirth Collective . "The mission of the Childbirth Collective is to enhance the childbearing year for parents by promoting quality doula support, advocating evidence-based care, and providing accessible education based on the wellness model of maternity care."

The theme of the evening was birth stories. There we all sat, women of all ages, races, first timers, some having their fifth and sixth child, grandmothers (to-be), and a variety of childbirth experts. Their stories reiterated that there is no ideal birth scenario and much like weddings "the best laid plans..." and so the phrase goes.

I am reminded that a successful outcome is in the eye of the mother; whether she felt like she had control of her birth experience, whether she felt supported, if the birth was faster or longer than she expected and so on.

I also was proud to learn that every woman there had a doula for support (one lady had two). The common thread with doulas were that they were invaluable to their birth experience and that their husbands/partners could see the benefit even if at first they were skeptical. A common misconception is that the father to be is fully capable of supporting a woman throughout her entire labor and delivery experience. I believe this is an unfair burden to put on anyone, especially men who may be squeamish over bodily fluids, or surprised by unexpected sounds to seeing the one they love be in "pain" and not being able to take it away. 

This reminds me of a couple I was with a few weeks ago. They were a team. It was obvious they practiced their breathing, comfort techniques, words, and he encouraged her like I had never seen done before. It was beautiful and I feel blessed to have witnessed a couple so in sync bringing their child into the world. They were home for most of her labor and when they arrived at the hospital it took a little over an hour for her to deliver. I told mom, "that's very smart that you did most of your laboring at home." The father to be said, "I wasn't that much help, I slept most of the time". This surprised me because he appeared so confident (and I am sure he was) in his ability to help his wife, but in reality, when I came on the scene he felt like the weight of the world was off of his shoulders (his words). He was exhausted and at a loss for ways to comfort her especially during the transition period.

I only regret that they didn't call sooner, as most of the women and their husbands at this meeting collectively experienced and expressed. Hearing that it was common to wait until they couldn't handle the labor alone saddened me because an experienced doula is trained to not only encourage and support mom, but dad as well. This also taught me to make during my prenatal visits to encourage my clients to call me as soon as they think they are in real labor, that it's not a bother but what they hired me to do.

A doulas job is not to replace the father to-be role. He is a very important part of her birth experience. He can love her in only the way that he can, he knows her more than a doula or any labor support person can. It is great to see a father settle into that loving role.

If you have any questions about what and how a doula supports a family before, during and after pregnancy feel free to contact me, I'd be happy to help.

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    A Woman's Design

    A Woman's Design Doula & Childbirth Educators are here to walk along side you during such a precious time. Whether it is your first journey or tenth, empowering women and families with education and support to trust their inner wisdom and make wise choices in pregnancy, birth and early parenting is the heart of A Woman's Design. 

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Contact A Woman's Design:
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Specializing In
Attachment Parenting | Babywearing | Birth Bootcamp | Bottle Feeding | Bradley Method | Breastfeeding | Cesareans Section (Family-Centered/Planned/Repeat) | Cloth Diapering | Epidural Birth | Home Birth | Hospital Birth | Hypnobabies | Induction | Lamaze | Multiples | Natural Birth | Spinning Babies |Vaginal birth Assisted by Medication | VBAC | Water Birth | Birth Doula | Postpartum Doula | Lactaction Support | Prenatal Education | Childbirth Education | Placenta Encapsulation |
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Providing Professional Doula Services to Families in the Twin Cities, Minnesota

Minneapolis - St Paul
Anoka | Hennepin  | Carver | Chisago | Dakota | Ramsey | Washington    

​At the heart & soul of A Woman's Design is the belief that every mother has the inner wisdom to make the best choices for herself and her baby in pregnancy, childbirth and early parenting. 
This is your story and we are your supporting cast. Birth. Your Way. 

Copyright © 2012-2018, Natalia Hals. All rights reserved.