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Doula and Mother / Sister / Supportive Friend

4/6/2016

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PictureDoula & Mother / Sister / Supportive Friend
Labor is appropriately named. It is arguably the hardest work a woman will ever do in her life. It is intense, exciting, exhausting, and sometimes scary. It makes sense that a woman would want those closest to her (such as a friend, sister or mother) to be present during her birth because she may desire their support and affirmation.

Certainly these are precious relationships. A doula would never dream of assuming the role of the laboring mother’s own mom, sister or friend. There is a connection there and it is not a professional doula’s place to step into the role of closest confidant.

In fact, a labor support tends to be much more effective if the person doing support is NOT be emotionally attached to the laboring mother. Though it seems counterintuitive, it makes sense from the perspective of the support person. It is difficult - if not near impossible - to expect a close confidant to detach themselves from their emotions while they watch their loved one experiencing labor - even when they cognitively and intuitively know that labor involves a measure of pain.

Sympathetic friends and family members tend to be just that - sympathetic - and they usually just want their friend to be comfortable. Their hearts are absolutely in the right place when they want their friend, sister, or daughter to “feel better.” They want to “fix it” - but the problem is that “it” isn’t broken.

Birth is normal. It is hard, rewarding work, but it is usually very uncomfortable. To ask a loved one to check their own emotions at the door in order to support a birth isn’t necessarily fair to ask of them.

Furthermore, a laboring mother often times will pick up on the way that their labor is making her loved ones feel. In her vulnerable mental and emotional state during labor, she will often times take steps to make those around her comfortable, even if that compromises what she wanted for her birth.

Birth doulas go through months of training, and upon certification, continuing education is required for certification maintenance. A doula is well versed, among other things, in the mechanics of labor, the various ways to support labor, the emotional signs of the stages of labor, all available birth options, evidence based birth, optimal fetal positioning, birth medications, effective communication in all birth settings, and the risks, benefits and alternatives to all the available options in birth.

These are all crucial skills to have in supporting a birth. Birth support involves understanding and navigating all the available options as labor progresses and changes. A supportive friend can be effective emotional support, but they likely can not bring the professional skills that a doula does - unless they are a doula.

For example, say you are experiencing back labor. Back labor is usually caused by the back of the baby’s head pushing on the lower back. It is best remedied by turning the baby into a better position for birth. If you are experiencing back labor, a doula will be able to provide hands on physical support specifically tailored to back labor that will keep you as comfortable as possible. Meanwhile, she can suggest positions and utilize tools that are known for encouraging the baby to turn into a more favorable position.

During a back labor, your nurse may (or may not be) able to offer suggestions for positioning strategies. Either way, she will not be able to stay with you to provide her recommended support. Her job is to monitor you for medical safety - not comfort. A supportive friend may mean well when she encourages you, but she likely will not have the knowledge base to understand the baby’s positioning, contraction patterns to watch for, or what types of positions and counterpressure are most effective for managing a back labor.

Ideally, a mother will have the best of both worlds. She can have the emotional support of a sympathetic friend, mother, or partner, along with the birth expertise that comes with her birth doula. The combination of the two will give her all the uniquely tailored support she needs to labor in a way that is best for her. Additionally, the doula will support the other support people who are present, giving them a peace of mind about the normalcy of birth.

Have someone that understands YOU present.
Have someone that understands BIRTH present.
That combination will make YOUR BIRTH optimally supported, and give you the best chance at having exactly what you want.

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In The Blink Of An Eye

8/27/2014

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Last week my Facebook and text messages were flooded with birth announcements (born and to-be born). There had been at least one baby born every day within my sphere of family and friends. If you read my last newsletter I mentioned the baby “boom” that I predicated in the summer and fall of 2014 thanks to an early, frigid and long winter here in Minnesota. I don't want to say I told you so...

In contrast, I was also aware of an unusually large number of people dropping their kids off at college. It shouldn’t be a surprise because people have been sending their kids to college for years. However, similar to the baby boom this was particularly noticeable with family and friends. Parents (mostly moms) bidding a tearful farewell to their college bound young adults. This particular time it hit me personally as we introduced our daughter to what will be the extension of us for the next 4+ years.


I’ve been tearful and weepy since June, they have been tears of joy but they have also been tears of regret. Is there anyone else struggling with this?


The regret of rushing to the next phase

I was a single mother for almost eight years and she was my little side-kick. Being a single parent has its challenges but being a child of a single parent has its own unique hurdles as well. I’ve personally experienced both.

It was exhausting to parent solo especially at night and I needed her to hurry up and grow - to get to the next phase.

So, she was encouraged to learn how to walk on her own asap because mom's hands were always full.

She soon developed a pace that she still follows - hesitant to slow down and take in a moment.

Having a child in daycare that is not potty-trained costs much more so I needed her to potty-train asap.
She now lives a life focused and driven to accomplish things but doesn't understand that just because you can do something means that you are mentally and emotionally ready to do them.

Don’t get me wrong. She is an amazing young lady and I am often humbled by how she turned out in spite of our beginnings - in spite of the mistakes I made.

So I have regrets. I wish I hadn't worried so much about rushing through bedtime routines and getting her to sleep through the night but instead enjoyed the quiet still nights after a hectic day.

I wish I didn't worry so much about her becoming independent because when independence came it was harder to release her into it. By that time I wanted things to slow down - her to slow down.


I wish I didn't question every single decision I made and trusted my heart and my mother’s instinct because it never led me wrong.

If you are in the stage where you are so tired you can’t think or you could just cry, or you have little ones circling you and bickering and fighting so much you want to pull your hair out,  just know that in a blink of an eye they will be young men and women getting ready to leave the nest. I know it is cliché and if one more person tells you to cherish the moments when you are barely keeping it together you may punch them- I totally get it. But it’s true. So true.


Your are fearfully and wonderfully made,

Natalia

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Pregnancy and Birth Stories About My Mom Warms My Heart and Soul

12/13/2010

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I just got off of the phone with my aunt, one of my mother's sisters. Our conversation was pleasantries about the family, the holidays and how my current pregnancy was going. She was tickled pink to know my due date was her birthday and began to tease about was to ensure that the baby is born on that day.

She began to tell me of my younger brothers birth. My mother was living with my aunt and she played a very close support role to her. I wanted to know things I wouldn't have thought to ask before; how long was she in labor, how long did she push, did she use anything, etc. Ultra sounds in the 70's were not available to every one but they thought she was having a boy based on how she was carrying him (low). It is unknown how long her active labor but between the time she wanted to get to the hospital and actually delivered was about three hours. The doctors told my aunt that it would be a while so she stepped outside long enough to smoke a cigarette. By the time she returned my little brother was born (
a ten-pounder).

My aunt laughed as she reminisced at all of the infant clothes that he couldn't fit and described how huge he looked next to the other babies in the nursery. Knowing how fast he came was a fun fact for me because I have experienced similar events with the births of my daughters. We were told by hospital staff that "it was going to be a while" only for them leave and return in 5-10 minutes with my babies coming full speed.

It's been 5 years since my mother has passed. I know many can relate to how the holidays and major life changes (like expecting a baby) can make you long for a loved ones presence. I wish I could sit and talk to my mom about her pregnancies and births, especially with me. I heard bits and pieces over the years but there is something about being pregnant and parenting, encountering your own fears, obstacles, joys, expectations whether you are a first timer or having your sixth that makes you want to bond with your mother and share this common bond. I appreciate my aunt filling in the gap, the missing pieces. She has no idea that she was feeding my heart and soul with that story.

Did you have a strong interest in your mothers pregnancy, labor and delivery experience while you were expecting? Feel free to share any stories, I'd love to hear them.

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    A Woman's Design

    A Woman's Design Doula & Childbirth Educators are here to walk along side you during such a precious time. Whether it is your first journey or tenth, empowering women and families with education and support to trust their inner wisdom and make wise choices in pregnancy, birth and early parenting is the heart of A Woman's Design. 

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Contact A Woman's Design:
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Specializing In
Attachment Parenting | Babywearing | Birth Bootcamp | Bottle Feeding | Bradley Method | Breastfeeding | Cesareans Section (Family-Centered/Planned/Repeat) | Cloth Diapering | Epidural Birth | Home Birth | Hospital Birth | Hypnobabies | Induction | Lamaze | Multiples | Natural Birth | Spinning Babies |Vaginal birth Assisted by Medication | VBAC | Water Birth | Birth Doula | Postpartum Doula | Lactaction Support | Prenatal Education | Childbirth Education | Placenta Encapsulation |
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Providing Professional Doula Services to Families in the Twin Cities, Minnesota

Minneapolis - St Paul
Anoka | Hennepin  | Carver | Chisago | Dakota | Ramsey | Washington    

​At the heart & soul of A Woman's Design is the belief that every mother has the inner wisdom to make the best choices for herself and her baby in pregnancy, childbirth and early parenting. 
This is your story and we are your supporting cast. Birth. Your Way. 

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