“Are you sure this is my baby?”
A few hours later I was able to be wheeled into the nicu to see him. He was still hooked up to a lot wires and instead of a soft whine he was doing the hum. I touched his fingers and studied him from the top to the bottom. I turned to my husband and asked, “Are you sure this is my baby?” He thought I was joking but I’d never been more serious in my life. He looked around the nicu and said, “Sweetie, there are only two babies here tonight- ours and a 30 week year old with red hair.” I felt really confused. Had he changed that fast? (He had a lot of water weight from the iv fluids I’d been on so he was looked huge).
“I felt no connection but only like a caretaker.”
“Is this postpartum depression?"
“He felt like a part of me.”
As I write this I have been given three dandelions from our son who is just as crazy about me as I am him. I look at him sometimes and my heart feels like it is going to explode. It is hard to imagine that at a point in his life that I felt any other way.
There is incredible grace and freedom in knowing that you are not alone.
If you feel like they are caused by postpartum depression (or any of the other mood disorders following pregnancy and childbirth) please do not hesitate to seek help.
Here is a post I wrote about my experience with postpartum depression.