In writing to you this Father's Day weekend, I am overwhelmed with a sense of love, responsibility, gratefulness, and blessing from God as I survey over my life.  What does it mean to be a "Father" anyways?  And how did it come to this.

My journey was slightly different than most twenty-somethings that find out they're going to be a Dad.  The first time I "found-out" I was going to be a Dad didn't start with an announcement, a cigar, or a pregnancy test.  The first time I discovered this was when my wife and I announced we were going to be married.  You see, there was already a smart, beautiful 8-year old in my wife's life that I had started to hang-out with while we were dating. This included a year of Christmas Presents, school activities, dinners out for 3 (not 2).  When the decision to get married was finalized in May, I knew that I'd be a Father instantly.  It was part of the deal, and I was happy to take it on.

With most men, they get their instant "realization" of Fatherhood when their wife announces "I'm pregnant!" for the first time.  It's at this moment, in true Hollywood fashion, that most guys instantly flash ahead the next 40 years and in a moment of time (birthdays, dirty diapers, smashed peaches all over the face in a high chair, baseball games, graduations, etc).  In my case, I got the first glimpse of life as a father a few months' earlier.

I had brought Raygen to a business meeting at night the previous December.  There were speakers, schedules, and all other sorts of items to keep me occupied while Raygen and a friend drew on a whiteboard in a separate office.  As the meeting came to a close, someone from the office approached me and said, "Steve, your daughter is hungry."  My daughter?  What?  Is THAT What I have now??

At this time, Natalia and I were not engaged to be married.  In fact, I'm not sure we were quite to the point of considering that.  And yet, MY DAUGHTER is hungry?  What did this mean?  Up until this point, all 26 years of my life had been focused on feeding ME!  I always bought dinner for 1, or sometimes 2 if I was dating.  But a daughter!?!?  How could this happen.

I'll never forgot that maiden voyage to McDonalds, child in tow, ordering not one, but TWO MEALS.  GASP!  Was this going to cost more than $10??!?!?  I had never spent that much at a McDonalds before.  (Thankfully, Happy Meals were only $3.49 at the time, avoiding the $10-barrier).

This was my pregnancy test moment, minus the blue-strip.  As I reached for that bag, and took out an extra 4-piece chicken nuggets that WASN'T MINE, I realized the reality of Fatherhood suddenly was upon me.  I had to begin to plan for, not only a household of two, but a household of three, or more.  All in a span of 30 minutes at a McDonalds.  Amazing how life can hit you.

Fast forward a little more than a year.  March the following year, I'm on the verge of leaving a job I couldn't stand.  I knew that I'd be out of work for a time to land on my feet somewhere else.  Natalia and I are married, Raygen was three months from turning 9.  I still have my whole life ahead of me, right?  After all, Natalia had provided-for and cared-for Raygen for the first 8+ years of her life, so adding another income would only make things better, correct?

Well, well, well, on the Eve of my pending job-sizing I was prepared to go through, my wife has me come in the bathroom.  She looks up at me and says, "Hey Hon, you know how I've been zapped of energy recently?  And I almost felt so sick that I didn't go to work today?  I think I know why."  I was curious, but increasingly nervous.  My first glance WASN'T at my wife, but rather at the garbage can.  And there I saw it.  A PACKAGE!  UNWRAPPED!  Oh no, what was this?  Was it . . .  It was.

She had the white stick in hand.  It had the blue stripe.  Oh dear!  What am I into now??  About to leave my current job, but the career search just got a little bit more real now.  There was a deadline to it.  All of this flashed before my eyes before she could utter the words, "It's positive." 

To be sure, Natalia always thought to go to the clinic to double-check, which was booked for the next morning.  At the appointment, the doctor confirmed our findings.  Hals Baby #1 was on the way.  Raygen was going to be a Big Sister.  I was going to be a newborn-Dad for the first time.  How did this happen!???  Wait, don't answer that.  This is a family blog.

The ensuing months taught me a lot, and prepared me for becoming a Father as best they could.  You start to accumulate baby outfits, furniture, diaper bags, and more diaper bags, and even more diaper bags.  Your kitchen cabinets all of a sudden have baby bottles in them.  Whaaaaaa?  Yeah, that happened.

But the moment of truth happened right around 8:04 pm on a Thursday night in October.  After 16 hours of labor after my wife's water broke, Amaya Faye came into this world.  I saw her and instantly fell in love.  The nurses cleaned her off for a second, swaddled-her and handed her to Momma, who had instantly forgotten she had just been through one of the most painful processes known to man.  She was so smitten, so love-struck by this little peanut that she couldn't wait to hold in her arms.  I too, as a Dad, was struck by this cutie-pie.  After giving her the first bath and first diaper, I just held her.  And held her.  And held her.  This changed everything (again!)

A few years later in 2010, I would drive out to New York to my best friend's wedding and return home the day after Father's Day.  Awaiting me was a card from my family.  Amaya was now 3 1/2 years old, Raygen was 12 and we had been married almost 5 years.  The Father's Day gifts rolled in, a homemade card from Amaya, a clever quip from Raygen, and then the big, sappy, "Thank you for being the best Father/Husband/Man of God" card from Natalia.  But this one had an appendix to it.

Each turn of the card said, "I love you Dad."  The first was signed by Raygen.  The second flip of the page was signed by Amaya, and the third was signed "All my Love" from Natalia.  But there was a 4th page.  And in it was a picture.  Of a pregnancy test with a finger pointing to a stripe.  The last page of the card was titled, "Happy Father's Day from your new favorite laptop. Arriving Feb 2011."

Oh wow.  That just happened.  And so it all begins.  While it hit me this time, it wasn't the Hiroshima/Nagasaki impact of the first two.  I really felt a little more prepared this time for what lay ahead.  Plus, I was on the other side of 30 this time, so I was a little more grown-up, right? 

Amazingly, the thought that dominated the whole 7+ months was, "Are we going to be welcoming another girl, or will a boy join the fold?"  Natalia and I kept feeling that this little chunky monkey was going to be a boy.  And in the afternoon of January 22, Elisha Steven came forth.  Beautiful, strong, a fighter from birth.

And that is how the Hals quiver came forth, from a Father's perspective anyways.  How blessed am I from above with these amazing children.  What a responsibility.  What an awesome task to raise, love and guide them, not only as children, but into their young-adult and even adult lives.  What a feeling.  How did this all happen?

Wait, don't answer that.  This is a family blog.

Last week my husband and I learned that the baby whose fall arrival we had so anxiously anticipated will not be. The process was all too familiar as we had just experienced it for the first time earlier this year. It was hard to be optimistic as we noticed the same pattern as our first loss. You notice some spotting, or maybe bleeding with or without  cramping and make the alarmed call to the doctor (or nurse) who tries to reassure you that it is not uncommon in the first trimester to have some bleeding. Their advice; try to relax, put your feet up, get some rest and try not to worry. Something doesn’t feel right, not just with your body but in your spirit. By the time you see your doctor you already know in your heart but it stings all the same to hear that what you are experiencing is most likely the end of your pregnancy. They run tests to be sure and tell you not to give up. Your symptoms are fading along with all of your hopes and dreams. All optimism is lost as you learn that the “pregnancy wasn’t progressing” or has ended.

“Miscarriage is the most common type of pregnancy loss, according to the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG). Studies reveal that anywhere from 10-25% of all clinically recognized pregnancies will end in miscarriage…Most miscarriages occur during the first 13 weeks of pregnancy. Pregnancy can be such an exciting time, but with the great number of recognized miscarriages that occur, it is beneficial to be informed about miscarriage, in the unfortunate event that you find yourself or someone you know faced with one.” American Pregnancy Association

This is a loss, a real loss. Whether you had just conceived (chemical pregnancy), in your first trimester (miscarriage) or were in a later stage in your pregnancy (stillborn) the loss is as real as having had a newborn baby in your arms and to later lose them.

With every loss there is a grieving period. The length of the grieving doesn’t necessary depend on how far along a woman may have been and every woman will grieve in different ways as well. One thing that they will all share is the different stages of grief.

Stages of Grief:

·         Denial

·         Anger

·         Guilt

·         Bargaining

·         Acceptance

“A miscarriage takes away the pure innocence of pregnancy”. I read this comment on a pregnancy loss website the other night. The young lady who wrote it pretty much summed up how other women (including myself) may describe the emotional aftershock of a pregnancy loss.  This short sentence says so much and I didn’t understand it until I experienced it myself.

Instead of the heart racing excitement that once was, future pregnancies will be held frigidly in the heart. The “I won’t get excited until after the safe zone (first trimester)” technique will be applied for self protection. Every twinge, spot or loss of symptoms will be cause for anxiety. Fear lingers and every ultrasound appointment ends with a sigh of relief.  Between each doctors visit it feels as if you have been holding your breath since the last. Some may (try) to with hold any love toward the new babe as to lessen the impact of a potential loss. As if we can really do that. Yes, it is true that a mother and a baby are two individuals but as soon as we see the little “+” sign or “pregnant”, or the doctor confirms what your womanly intuition told you, you are hooked. From that moment the heart strings become entangled to this little one.

It’s not that the mother who hasn’t had a loss doesn’t experience some level of anxiety. On the contraire, when I was pregnant with my two daughters who are 3 and 12 years old now, both times I was so afraid of miscarrying them. I pretty much walked around as if I was holding china that I was afraid would easily break. What I am describing above is different. A previous miscarriage can almost rob the joy expectation of being pregnant from a woman.

Ironically enough after our news I have been contacted by two new potential clients for doula services. My daughter asked me if I was going to be okay with my two deliveries I have coming up in the next few weeks. She’s also observed me still researching and practicing my doula skills in between minor melt downs when the reality of what we are experiencing hits me like a tsunami. It’s a fair question that I didn’t mind her asking. The truth is, I’m not sure how I will feel in the next few weeks, next few months or due dates. When you consider that each month a woman has only a 20% chance of conceiving (who is purposely trying) it is pretty amazing. The fact that there is a about a 24 hour timeframe for a sperm to meet the egg and the uterine environment has to be just right, I still believe that every conception and birth is a miracle. I attended a birth a week after our first loss and it was almost therapeutic to take my mind off of myself and our loss and give someone else 100% to help them to bring forth their miracle.

 

(Authors note: This post was really written to encourage women out there who have and who will experience a pregnancy loss but also those who aren’t sure how to comfort them.)

Websites:

http://pregnancyloss.info/

http://www.americanpregnancy.org/pregnancyloss/mcsupportingothers.html

Books:

Empty Cradle, Broken Heart

Pregnancy After a Loss: A Guide to Pregnancy After a Miscarriage, Stillbirth, or Infant Death

Trying Again: A Guide to Pregnancy After Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss

A Silent Sorrow: Pregnancy Loss - Guidance and Support for You and Your Family

Grieving the Child I Never Knew

Something Happened: 
A book for children and parents who have experienced pregnancy loss.

We Were Gonna Have a Baby, But We Had an Angel Instead by Pat Schwiebert.