This is so unlike me. If you know me well you know that I tend to be very positive, try to see the best in people and situations. This tends to surprise those closest to me who are aware of my past struggles.
The past few months have taught me that even the most optimistic person can have life knock them around so much that even waking up to a new day can bring a challenge. I’m not talking about depression (which I have had my share of battles with), I’m talking about having one challenge after challenge and it’s all you can do is catch a quick breath before the next one. You want to tap out for a second and gather your bearings before the next challenge comes. That is what the year 2010 was like for me and those challenges carry over into 2011:
- 2 miscarriages
- Difficult pregnancy; Hyperemesis Gravidarum, modified bed rest since July, picc line (A peripherally inserted central catheter (PICC or PIC line) is a form of intravenous access that can be used for a prolonged period of time) since July, home healthcare, 6 hours daily of infusing iv fluids, diagnosed with gestational diabetes which lead to switching care providers, insulin shots and 3-4 doctor appointments a week until labor and delivery.
- Not to mention the financially; results of home healthcare, medication, medical supplies, loss of income because I am unable to leave the house. Loss of income because hubby has had to take time off to take care or me or our youngest.
- Relationally; feeling isolated, strain on marriage, missing important events and fellowship with friends, church etc.
- Anger; Angry because not many people experience or even know about hyperemsis graviduram. Angry because of expectations and plans that vanish before my very eyes with every new challenge. Angry because we have decided to not have any more children (because hg get worse with each pregnancy). Angry because I feel like my body has let me down.
I have decided to acknowledge and write about one positive thing I have experienced or a positive outlook of my day. This certainly could be something done privately in a journal however my prayer is that it will help me dig out of this rut/funk and that you all will help keep me accountable. Just the thought of doing this has already given me something to look forward to and has created some hope.
The posts will not be this long, some may be a paragraph, and some may be a sentence. Thanks for taking the time to read this and I hope you join me!
(Note: We/I am so happy and excited about our new family member who is expected to arrive in February. Inspite of all of the challenges I have had with this pregnancy, this baby is not blamed and knows he/she is very much loved and wanted. We’ve talked…okay, I’ve talked and reassured peanut of that from the beginning. This should go with out saying, but interpreting someone’s heart can be difficult through emails, posts, etc. Have you noticed that?)