That was hard for me to write. I hate quitting or what appears to be quitting. My upbringing required a lot of tenacity and determination. Those are great skills to have when you are attempting to accomplish anything. Like most things there needs to be balance.

I also hate endings and struggle with leaving anything even when it is clear that the time has come for a change. I used to freeze when an opportunity would come because I would think I would have to be committed to it for the long haul. It didn’t matter what it was, a new job, volunteering, etc. Anything that did not have an end date I started to avoid or I would procrastinate with the decision and then I would stay with it too long. It is one downside to those traits.

I share this with you because when you are in the early stages of parenthood there is so much pressure put on our decisions that affect our family. We don’t want to make any mistakes and so we tend to struggle with the process of making any necessary changes when the time comes.

As you think about staying at home or going back to work I want you to close your eyes, take a deep breath and consider that the decision you make doesn’t have to be forever. In fact, life will make sure of that. You have a right to change your mind if the decision you made is just not working. And you will know. It will feel like the grace has lifted for you to continue to do what you decided to do. It could be an external pressure or change like a job loss, or sick parent, spouse or child. Or your own personal emotional or physical well being. Things are not flowing like they used to no matter how many adjustments you make you just know it is no longer working.

With anything it is great to have touchpoints or check-in times to re-evaluate if the path you are going is still the right one. Do not obsess over it (“Did I make the right decision?). You want to be fully in the decision you made because double-mindedness causes confusion. I want to challenge you to make a point periodically to stop and make sure that the reason you made the choice is still valid. Has anything changed that would warrant a shift? There may need to be a redirect or a small adjustment to stay the course.

Remember, whatever decision you make begin with the end in mind and remember that it doesn’t have to be forever. There is power in decision making.

Do you have a problem with shifting or making changes? What boundaries or check-points can you set up to help along the way?

​

A common conversation we have as doulas with our clients is the one of “Should I stay home after baby is born? If so, how long?” “I am planning on returning to work. How soon should I return and what can I do to make that transition smooth for my family.”

I know from personal experience and from working so closely with women over the years that these concerns tend to be in the forefront of their mind as soon as they have learned of their pregnancy.

I have been a single mother, a full-time mother in college, full-time working mother, a stay at home mother and a work from home mother. I get it. It is the question that we are always wrestling with and I would like to share some 4 important tips that have helped me with these decisions over the years.

Part One: Begin With The End In Mind

Your little one may already be here or you may be counting the days until you see their face but it is not too late to begin this process with the end in mind. By the end I mean, what are the biggest things you would like to accomplish with motherhood? That sounds like a loaded question doesn’t it?

In the beginning it is so hard to imagine your kids leaving the nest but I am here to tell you with a daughter graduating from college in the spring, that it really does feel like a blink of an eye. So with that in mind, what do you want them to take as they venture out into the world? What values do you want to impart into them while they are under your roof? This will look different for every mom and every family.

Some examples may be:

A strong family bond
A strong connection with their siblings
A love for traveling
Education
Being able to provide financially
Being amazing people that you launch into the world (character development)
Spirituality
Confidence and strong sense of self identity

I’m sure you can name some more and remember it doesn’t have to look like anyone else's. It’s about you and your family. Try to list three and if you are having a hard time thinking of some, consider your own childhood. What would you like to share with them? What didn’t you experience or take with you that you would like to give you kids?

​As you navigate the decision to stay home or return to work, start with the beginning in mind.

2016 was a rollercoaster ride for many people, A Woman’s Design was not excluded. We experienced the amazing birth of one of our own baby’s and new amazing birth & postpartum doulas were added to our team. We also experienced illnesses, losses and other challenges that we know even our clients have had to navigate.
 
I usually start every new year with my “word” for the year (this year it is "stand") and a fun day of vision board building. This particular year felt different as the remnants of 2016 continue to carry through. I can’t shake this heavy feeling in my heart that I am not the only one who could use some accountability when it comes to asking for help and being available to help. I’d like to challenge us all to make a pact- a promise if you will. 

I will take a hand and be a friend.

This probably sounds very sophomoric but I think we make things too complicated sometimes which leads us to not doing them. I will take a hand and be a friend simply means I will reach out to someone who needs help and I will be willing to receive help that is being extended to me.

Here are a few things I am hoping we all can pledge to do:

I will try to get face to face with someone- to be seen and to see. “I need to see your face.” This is something my friends and I have said to each other over the years. It is so easy to rely on the  convenience of texting and sending messages on social media that we forget the importance of face to face time. How many times has someone sent you a note asking you how you were and you said “fine” when you really weren’t? Now, try to do that face to face. Knees to knees. It requires making time and being vulnerable, yes, but it is so worth it. If face to face is not possible because of lack of time or logistics, make a phone call. You’ll hear in their voice if they truly are fine.​ Be persistent and don't feel like you are being a bother.  

I will do the thing that has been placed on my heart to do. How many times have we offered to help someone but it was a kind of blank check of sorts? How about we stop what we are doing, if we can, and do the thing we said we were willing to do. If cooking is your thing make a little more for your friend. If you are out running errands by a friend, call and ask if she needs anything. Send a handwritten note in the mail. Send her a gift card to a place that she can treat herself. Actually schedule time to connect- on the spot if you can. Make a plan to watch the kids. You get my point. Put some action in your intention. We all mean well. We do. But life will blow us in the other direction before we can follow through.
 
We all live our lives in seasons. Sometime we have an abundance of time, money, energy, etc. and we are in better positions to help someone if the needs arise. We should be investing in people. It takes time to grow anything and that includes relationships. When we are operating in a surplus let’s try to see who we can pour into when our cup is running over.
 
I will open my hands to recieve and make my needs known. Just like there are seasons of abundance there are also seasons when we are the ones who need support. Life ebbs and flows that way. If you are used to being the caretaker, the strong one, and it feels strange to receive help….get over it. The truth is, healthy relationships require both parties being able to give and receive. If you are the friend that is always saving everyone, are perceived as having it all together and never in need of anything you are doing a disservice to yourself and the people who can and want to contribute to the relationship. Don’t believe me? Ask them. If you are someone who needs help, make a list of things that could really help you. When someone says, “Let me know how I can help.” What would you do if you had free time? Brainstorm ideas. You will be ready with your list. If you are someone who prides themselves in being self-sufficient it may be the biggest challenge. Do it now.

I will take the bold step in asking for what I need even before I need it. Send Out an SOS. In popular usage, SOS became associated with such phrases as "Save Our Ship" or "Send Out Succour" or "Save our Soul".  I’ve been doing this recently. Sending out S.O.S.'s. I like to call it “Save Our Sister”.  I admit that I do a great job at taking care of everyone else but have found it challenging to ask for help. One way I have challenged myself is to preemptively let my friends and family know what I may need and how I would best receive it.

For example, a recent text I sent to friends, “Please remind me that I am not alone, that I am loved and that God still has a plan and a hope for my future. You can send it in a text, email, call or a message in a bottle- just please remind me when you think of me.” On a great day, I know these things in my heart but on a day when life has steamrolled over you, backed up and done it again a few more times it helps to know ahead of time what words, gestures or support would mean the most to you and then share that with the people you know love you.

Will you make this a priority this year? Will you allow yourself to be vulnerable and available this year and moving forward? We owe it to ourselves. Here's to many warm hugs, ugly cries and feeling the love that was always there.

Are there things that you would add to this list? Comment below with other suggestions and #takeahandbeafriend and let us know that you are joining us <3

Please feel free to share this to open a dialogue with those closest to you or to someone that you think could use this encouragement. 

I don't know about you, but the instant I saw that positive pregnancy test, my entire life became consumed by this little person that was to become.
 
I couldn't wait to call my doctor to schedule an appointment, hoping they would give me some personal affirmation, support, encouragement, or even that they would express a little bit of excitement to match my own. But I would always leave that initial appointment feeling a little disappointed. A standard pregnancy test very similar to the one I'd taken at home would be completed in the office by someone I didn’t know, and the pregnancy would be clinically confirmed. I would be booked for my first prenatal visit - which wasn’t until I was 12 weeks pregnant. On my way out the door, I was handed a generic pamphlet that reminded me not to eat blue cheese, lunch meat, or raw sushi. Needless to say, my need for emotional or informational support was not met, and I walked out of the office feeling the weight of all my unanswered questions hanging heavy on my shoulders.
 
I was always longing for a way to be active and engaged in my pregnancy. Even early on, I didn’t want to just passively wait for my next appointment. Pregnancy is not just a physical condition requiring medical monitoring - it is a complete transformation within the life of a woman and her family.
 
I wanted this to be a shared, supported experience.
I wanted to be as informed as possible.
I wanted to do my best to do the right things.
I wanted to enjoy it as much as I could despite the discomforts.
I wanted to be told what I was experiencing was normal.
I wanted my fears to be reassured by people who showed that they really cared.
I wanted face to face connection with those who were walking the same path I was.
I wanted to be affirmed as a mother - even though my mothering journey had only just begun.
And all I had was a pamphlet.
 
For personal reasons, we had decided to wait a while to share our news, like a lot of people choose to do. Those weeks and months are very emotional - they are exciting, scary, thrilling, exhausting, and uncertain. Prenatal visits with a primary care provider do not start until 12 weeks, since there is not much to monitor during that time. That is 3 whole months of waiting.
 
And waiting.
And waiting.
Alone.
 
Of course it’s not realistic for a doctor’s office to provide a patient with all of the emotional and physical support they need during a pregnancy. A doctor’s job is to medically monitor pregnancy for safety. Midwives spend more time emotionally investing in their clients during pregnancy, but of course they cannot do it all - nor should they.
 
I could write to unknown faces across the internet on places like BabyCenter or even on Facebook mom groups. But a “congratulations” from a nameless face (or avatar) is just not the same as a congratulatory hug or spoken word of encouragement.
 
The doulas and educators of A Woman’s Design have lived this walk. We completely understand that once you have a pregnancy confirmed, the weeks and months before the start of your prenatal visits are very emotional. It is a sensitive time of pregnancy that is not often acknowledged, especially since mom’s belly has not started to grow yet. Mom seems to be the only one who can feel the very real effects of this pregnancy - both emotionally and physically.
 
Wouldn't it be nice to come together with other expectant mothers to share your exciting news? Maybe you can find a pregnancy buddy to walk along this journey with and have your most common and embarrassing questions answered in a small group?
 
We would like to introduce you to A Woman’s Design, Online Prenatal Wellness Program. We know you’re busy but you still want information and community.
 
The Prenatal Wellness Program is intended to bridge the gap between early pregnancy and the time you take a complete childbirth education series as well as encourage and enhance women and their family's confidence throughout pregnancy, childbirth and parenting.
 
We cannot wait to meet you and celebrate your little one…because you shouldn’t have to wait.

 http://www.awomansdesign.com/prenatal-wellness-program.html

Arvigo Maya Abdominal Therapy is a deep, slow, and relaxing massage of the abdomen and low back that comes from Central American healers and midwives and was adapted by naturopathic physician Rosita Arvigo. Recommended by Dr. Christiane Northrup in her hallmark book “Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom” as well as by women’s heath experts including Dr. Aviva Romm and Midwife Stephanie Brill, Maya Abdominal Therapy is known for easing digestive conditions, correcting the position of the uterus, and bringing blood, lymph, and chi to the area to stimulate the body’s own healing abilities.
 
How often do we all slouch forward, doubling over our bellies and breathing only into our chest? How many of us fell on our tailbones years ago, or have chronic misalignment and pain in our hips or sacrum? How many times do women hear from doctors that we are “just” infertile or menopausal, or have irritable bowl syndrome, low libido, fibroids, cysts, scar tissue, painful periods, pelvic pain, a weak bladder or perineum, and there’s simply “nothing they can do” except surgery or intensive drugs? Doctors have few tools for these cases, but here’s where natural medicine comes in.
 
Maya Abdominal Therapy includes a holistic package of bodywork, pelvic steams, castor oil packs, nutritional counseling, and an opportunity to better understand and listen to a very neglected part of ourselves. The work relies on time tested tools – massage, heat, water, gentle herbs and organic oils – and an undisputed medical philosophy – where blood, lymph, breath, and chi goes, the body’s natural healing goes. The bodywork itself is an external technique that gradually deepens and softens scar tissue, pelvic ligaments, and adhesions in the intestinal tract and around the uterus and fascia holding the abdominal organs. You will have a chance to learn a self-massage to continue at home, and you can expect to come out feeling more grounded, open, breathing more deeply and easily, and you may need to take a trip to the bathroom!
 
The abdomen and sacrum are sensitive and responsive areas of the body, and even one treatment session plus self-care at home can stimulate nerves and release blockages to relive painful periods, increase libido, and encourage healthy digestion, elimination, and better control of urination and fewer urinary infections. A series of 3 monthly treatments is generally recommended for those working through layers of chronic scar tissue, or alongside allopathic medicine, chiropractic care, or acupuncture for infertility, fibroids, cysts, endometriosis, pelvic pain, or prolapse. Also keep in mind that the best time for a Maya Abdominal session is at least 30 minutes after a meal, and when not using an IUD, not menstruating, not post-ovulation if you are trying to conceive, and not during the first trimester of pregnancy. The treatment should have space to take effect without interfering with any other "work" or sensitivities in the area.
 
How many of us avoid the sight of our bellies, never revealing or touching this soft, vulnerable part of ourselves? How many of us moan and groan at every round of PMS, bleeding, or a hot flash? Could that possibly translate into stuck energy, congested blood vessels and nerves, and over time, disease and poor function in the area? Even if you only try Maya Abdominal Therapy once, what you will learn and explore in a single session will have you thinking about and holding your belly in a whole new way.
 
- Ihotu Jennifer Ali, MPH, CLC, NCBMB

​As a nationally certified massage therapist, birth and postpartum doula, lactation counselor, and sexual violence counselor, my practice focuses especially on fertility, pregnancy, postpartum, and increasing libido, as well as for those with histories of harassment, assault, sexual violence, traumatic birth experiences, and inappropriate clinical touch or medical treatment. Sessions are consent-based and we work together as partners to plan the treatment that would feel most comfortable and which areas of the body to focus, and bodywork can be done either fully or partially clothed.