I had good intentions when I originally started my 365 Days of blessings in the beginning of the year. It wasn't suppose to be one of the many New Years resolutions that we tend to set and forget after a few weeks.

I was at the end of a difficult pregnancy and I was finding myself bitter, crabby  and resentful. I decided to wake up daily with an expectancy of something positive. My days which turned into months began to be filled with negativity, mostly beginning with my outlook. There were difficult things occurring but there were also lots of silver linings to be grateful for.

 My husband thoughtfully bringing home dinner because he can sense I've hard a rough day. To my teenager entertaining the preschooler so that I can sleep in...even if it's for just an extra fifteen minutes. My in-laws who would see a need and try to meet it and took the kids for a day so that I can exhale, sleep or collect my thoughts. My brothers and step-father who wouldn't hesitate to support me if I only asked.. 

 From the kindness of a neighbors who mowed and snow plowed our lawn and driveway, to the gentle innocence of my preschooler silently curling up next to me. 


The nurse who sat and dabbed my tears when a c-section became inevitable. The surgeon who actually took the time to read my birth plan and implemented as much as he could.

The congregation (whom I hadn't seen for over seven months because of bed-rest) and pastors that prayed with my husband every Sunday that I was absent, encouraged us and brought enough meals to last two months after the baby was born.

 My friends near and far who sent things from a box of diapers to an out of the blue text saying, "you're on my heart". A timely scripture, prayer or quote. 

The baby came 5+ weeks early and shortly after we moved (can you imagine having a newborn and moving? If you've done it you know what I am talking about). Having the family adjust to a new baby, new home and new town put my writing on hold. I may not have completed my 365 Days of Blessing posts but I do believe I learned the lesson I was set out to learn. 

Yes. I am truly blessed.

 

It's a new year and many people have embarked upon their resolutions. Online I have noticed many challenges; do something new, read a certain amount of books, lose weight, etc. I've been invited to participate in a few 365 days of (fill in the blank) challenges and to be perfectly honest I've encountered an unexpected outlook to the new year. I entered into the New Year with out any particular goals, or even any excitement for the New Year brings.

This is so unlike me. If you know me well you know that I tend to be very positive, try to see the best in people and situations. This tends to surprise those closest to me who are aware of my past struggles.

The past few months have taught me that even the most optimistic person can have life knock them around so much that even waking up to a new day can bring a challenge. I’m not talking about depression (which I have had my share of battles with),  I’m talking about having one challenge after challenge and it’s all you can do is catch a quick breath before the next one. You want to tap out for a second and gather your bearings before the next challenge comes. That is what the year 2010 was like for me and those challenges carry over into 2011:

• 2 miscarriages
• Difficult pregnancy; Hyperemesis Gravidarum, modified bed rest since July, picc line (A peripherally inserted central catheter (PICC or PIC line) is a form of intravenous access that can be used for a prolonged period of time) since July, home healthcare, 6 hours daily of infusing iv fluids, diagnosed with gestational diabetes which lead to switching care providers, insulin shots and 3-4 doctor appointments a week until labor and delivery.
• Not to mention the financially; results of home healthcare, medication, medical supplies, loss of income because I am unable to leave the house. Loss of income because hubby has had to take time off to take care or me or our youngest.
• Relationally; feeling isolated, strain on marriage, missing important events and fellowship with friends, church etc.
• Anger; Angry because not many people experience or even know about hyperemsis graviduram. Angry because of expectations and plans that vanish before my very eyes with every new challenge. Angry because we have decided to not have any more children (because hg get worse with each pregnancy). Angry because I feel like my body has let me down.

I feel I should stop here as the list can go on and on. I struggled with documenting a list of my grievances, not wanting to appear ungrateful or just as one who sits and dwells on everything negative. As I mentioned earlier this is not me typically but it was done for two reasons. 1) I have never outwardly voiced the aforementioned (except to my loving hubby who patiently listens and encourages me the best he can) and we all know that things held inside tend to do damage from the inside out. Another reason I wrote it was to show why my 365 day challenge will be very beneficial (to me at least) even if it seems very minor.

I have decided to acknowledge and write about one positive thing I have experienced or a positive outlook of my day. This certainly could be something done privately in a journal however my prayer is that it will help me dig out of this rut/funk and that you all will help keep me accountable.  Just the thought of doing this has already given me something to look forward to and has created some hope.

The posts will not be this long, some may be a paragraph, and some may be a sentence. Thanks for taking the time to read this and I hope you join me!

(Note: We/I am so happy and excited about our new family member who is expected to arrive in February. Inspite of all of the challenges I have had with this pregnancy, this baby is not blamed and knows he/she is very much loved and wanted. We’ve talked…okay, I’ve talked and reassured peanut of that from the beginning. This should go with out saying, but interpreting someone’s heart can be difficult through emails, posts, etc. Have you noticed that?)